


Blame.

by TheTentacleCommander



Series: The Devil's Saga series extras [7]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dark Crack, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internal Monologue, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Old work, On the Run, One Shot, Out of Character, PSTD, Past Torture, is warrented
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 11:15:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13234521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTentacleCommander/pseuds/TheTentacleCommander
Summary: Takes place a few months after TSoD and during OaDW.Oh, did you really think her running off was gunna fix things? Don't be silly. Course one has to ask - was she seriously expecting him to magically erase her problems or was hoping that he'd make a great wall for avoiding them? Is she blaming the right person?Not mentally stable Jill is fun to ponder on lol everyone I write suffers.





	Blame.

_Why am I still here?_  
  
………  
  
She glances at her arms, pale as always. At her chest, paler still if not for the puckered indentations sitting in a circle. She had long learned to not linger her eyes along them for too long. Too long and she’d end up hung up on them.  
  
_Like I’m not now?_    
  
She had the house to herself now. No child running around needing her attention. Not even him needing the same. No one needing her to fix something or to make things better. Just her - hoping that if she sat still long enough, she could fix  _this_. This, what is this?  
  
_Is this even a problem?_  
  
She should be happy. She should truly be thankful. And in truth she was.  
  
_Then how come I feel like this all the time now?_  
  
Jill had long showered after returning from this month’s outing, driving far out and nabbing supplies they couldn’t hunt for off of the land. It was a good thing that many of the few and far between locals out here bartered instead of asking for cash. The trip had her start very early in the morning and was finished far into the afternoon.   
  
She rarely left the well hidden and off the grid residence she and her family had holed up in. It was a small summer home, supposedly owned by the Valentine family. Jill knew that in honest that was a lie. What Valentine family? It was just her and her father then. Despite teaching her the tricks of his trade, her father to the end never liked telling her the complete truth about everything he did. Maybe it was for the best. She secretly was glad he died in prison. To see his little girl now… _No. Don't dwell._  
  
Jill was just glad she was able to find a few ‘sources’ to keep things afloat. At this point, she trusted them over more legal avenues. Mostly because she had little else to depend on.   
  
Then again she didn’t plan to stay here forever anyway.  There would be no forever home for her little family. There is no such thing as forever. Eventually, they will come for them. But that wasn’t what had her staring at the mirror.   
  
She was sitting almost fully clothed her fingers wrapped around the buttons to her blouse. Her fingers had been sitting, fiddling nervously with the buttons for some time now. Every time she went to try and button up her blouse, this poisonous feeling kept her from finishing.  Her eyes would just sit, looking over herself - her ‘new and improved’ self. She would watch her own chest heave, her breathing making it rise and fall. Jill watches with a sense that somehow this was wrong, questionable.   
  
She was sure, very sure that she was breathing. She shouldn’t be breathing. Breathing is for things that are alive.  
  
_Do zombies have a need to do this?_  
  
Am I…  
  
It was different when she was just emotionally empty. It was different because she knew then that her body should have regretfully been alive it still kicking despite not deserving it. And yet finally, finally when she got the death she deserved it was snatched away.   
  
How could she sit here, enjoying life when so many are dead?  
  
She held her face in her hands now, trying to will herself from breaking down right now. Why, oh why is she still alive?   
  
_Stop it. This is selfish. You have people depending on you._  Jill hated this, hated feeling like this and just couldn’t think of any way to resolve it other than to coach herself, tell herself that there’s more than herself now. She has a child, that didn’t deserve any of this, and…him.   
  
_If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here._    
  
Sharp and cold, that resentful, cruel thought crept out along with the others.  
  
_If it wasn’t for him, Brad wouldn’t be dead._  
  
If it wasn’t for him Wesker would’ve simply let me die.  
  
If it wasn’t for him, I’d not look like I do.  
  
If it wasn’t for him, Chris would still be here, angry but still here.   
  
The thoughts rolled on, blaming, raging. She rubbed her face against an arm before quickly flinching. The blouse fell down that arm but not before her seeing the faint lines that dotted along them. Unlike her chest, she didn’t look away. Damn lines. The things didn’t even have the decency to stay after she put them there!  _It’s not like I feel the pain anymore. He took that from me too._  
  
If it wasn’t for him…I’d be dead. Simply dead.  
  
Everything is broken and it’s his entire fault! And everyone wants me to go behind and fix it all! I can’t fix it all! Jill places her hands on her clothed legs, her shirt still hanging open, her breathing fast and agitated. She had long lowered her head, feeling so low, so bitter.   
  
The small weak knock at the bedroom door was the only thing that had her sit up from her perch, buttoning her shirt up quickly.   
  
“Momma? Momma, are you home? I found something pretty for you.”  
  
Jill couldn’t even trust the tone of her voice at this point and simply opened the door. Standing looking like she had a fun time rolling in the mud was Sia, holding a messy group of flowers bundled into her small fist. Despite her filthiness, the child beamed clearly intending the bundle for Jill. At this, a part of her couldn’t help but smile. The other part was what had Jill put on a happy face as she without a word took the messy bundle from the child, and then ruffling her just as filthy hair. The little girl was going to have a very eventful bath later.   
  
_If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have Sia._  
  
She walked downstairs with the very pleased with herself child down towards the kitchen. As she walked in to find a vase to store this ‘bouquet’ in, the heavy smell of copper and the sounds of flesh being torn wafted from the farther back of the room. A door was open to the back storage room. In it was her mate, having dragged in a rather large deer – a large buck to be precise – ripping it into pieces barehanded. He had taken off his top coat and skirt, probably in an effort to minimize the blood splatter on his suit. Despite the emotions still reeling in her mind, she couldn’t help but look at him doing what had to be done.   
  
Doing it without complaint. Without worry. Just doing. Despite it all, she could’ve walked away. She could’ve run away just like the thoughts are telling her to. That’s what dying is. That’s what blaming is. Running away. She ran away from him before after all and succeeded. But what if anything has that done for her, ever?   
  
She ran and now Raccoon is nothing but a crater.  
  
She ran and left Chris unsure as to what he was any more to her.  
  
She ran from even facing down Wesker when she had the chance.  
  
She ran from the BSAA. She had ran, ran, ran. Trying to save what exactly?  
  
She’s already dead. There is nothing of Jill Valentine to save.   
  
_If it wasn’t for him, I’d have nothing_ **to**  save.

**Author's Note:**

> Posted on dA in 2013.


End file.
